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D.B. "Earl" Esque Covers Bush's war on Al Pocalypse

Seen in recent comments on this blog:

Bush Reads Revelations,
Declares Pre-Emptive Strike Against Heaven

D. B. "Earl" Esque
Washington -- After reading John’s Book of Revelations, President George W. Bush has declared that he is ordering the full forces of the military to launch a pre-emptive strike against Heaven, citing evidence of WMDs
“They got these seven bowls.” Bush indicated in a press conference called yesterday, “Weapons of Mass destruction.” Speaking to reporters, Bush went on to explain that these weapons that can unleash pestilences, plagues, hailstones the size of Chicago softballs, and earthquakes simply by pouring them out from the sky. According to President Bush, a group calling themselves the Al Pocalypse, possesses a bio-chemical agent that turns water into blood.
Said, Bush, “Lead by four Evil-doers on different colored horses, this insurgent group is every bit as dangerous as Al Qaida.” Bush has ordered the CIA to investigate an extremely secret man named “John”, who wrote the manifesto called, Revelations.
“Clearly, we need to bring some intelligence to this situation,” indicated General Michael Hayden, Director of the Central Intelligence Agency.
When asked to comment on President Bush’s plan to search for “John”, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates indicated less chance of finding “John” than Osama bin Ladin in the mountains of Pakistan and Afghanistan. “We have a better chance checking the guest registries of cheap hotels in the Bible Belt.”
Vice President Dick Cheney commented on anecdotal evidence that John has already been beheaded, but that a possibility existed that may be a different John. “There are at least two John’s that figure prominently in this developing situation.” He further commented that this rested on analysis of possible code words “Disciple” and “Baptist” which he indicated were clearly titles held by members of terrorist organizations.
General Hayden admitted that gathering clear intelligence would be difficult since the CIA had no known assets in Heaven. When asked if Heaven had been considered an ally given President Bush’s claim for “faith-based” governing, Hayden indicated that clearly there had been a breakdown in prayer diplomacy.
(More Pg 24)

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